On Love

Love (part 1)

- the question we seek an answer for.

In general we grow up with a family, showing us affection and love, trying to teach us the world is held together by the inter-human connections and relations. Now this is from the point of view, where the family teaching us these values, have had years of experience and time. Time to think through the experiences of the past, the interactions with people and the emotions connected. Both our own and the effect we have on the people in our close vicinity.

The parents have a tendency to neglect the difficulties of love, the consequences of the choices that are made along the way. They do not want us to grow up thinking love is an impossibility beforehand. Even if they end up not being able to maintain the appearance themselves, they still tell us the same story. Perhaps in the hope of giving us the chance to live out the dream and succeeding where they failed.

Then we get older, and start to find our own in this world. We try the first teenage-crush, we get burned for the first time. We make our own conclusions and form our own view of the world of love. In the process, we grow up. The experiences we make in the early years, form the view of how we see the world. Even if we do not acknowledge the fact, we still judge people by how they act, based on what we feel.

In the same way, we make choices based on our feelings. These are bound to our emotions, even if we try to distance ourselves from them, and pretend to make judgments and choices based on what we see and hear. We pretend to be objective, but a complete distance is not possible. Deceiving ourselves however, is.

Love (part 2)

- Habit vs. Love vs. Security

No matter what we have been through regarding relationships, one-sided or two-sided emotions, every relationship we have will start out with strong emotions. These may be based on physical attraction, friendship or, to some extent, both.

Regardless the starting point of the relationship, for it to be long lasting (this on a relative scale) both friendship, trust, physical attraction and mental attraction must be present. These factors grow in the relationship and are the basis, when the initial attraction fades. In the beginning the flaws of the other are ignored and later these are to be seen as charms and speciallities of the individual. We come to love each other.

In time, two people get to know one another, and if trust and honesty is present they become each others trustee. But what about doubt? At some point, be that after 6 years or 6 months, doubt will appear. This may be nothing, but as we are dealing with humans and their emotions it all comes down to how the handling is done. Doubt comes in many forms; insecurity regarding yourself, insecurity regarding your partner, fears about the future, loss of freedom, jealousy (substantiated or not) or maybe just the change in individuals over time. The only way to deal with doubt is in coorporation with you partner. If the relationship is truly based on trust and friendship, this will solve the issues if love is still there. If the love between the two has dissipated over time, the friendship will still have a chance.

The biggest issue comes if people stop asking themselves; "Why am I here, do I still love?".

Do the two people in a relationship notice the change from "decisive choice" to "habit"? Given enough time each relationship develops its own habits and routines, based on the interactions of the people involved. This also enables the relationship to change away from each choosing to be with the other, but making it more "the easy thing" to do. This is not something that is noticed, but merely a thing happening over time. It may not be a bad thing, as all individuals function better with a certain set of routines, but in these the love may fade into the shadows. It is important to question one self about the feelings that are the basis of the relationship, and whether or not they are there or if they have changed for better or worse.

The aspect of security is a large part of relationships. This, in itself, is not bad, as people feel more secure based on having the trust and support from their partner. But given enough time it becomes the main basis for the two persons involved. Then it poses a threat to the individual, as there is no longer substantial belief in one self to be alone. One side of the relationship may be in doubt as to the basis of the two, but lacking belief in one self makes the choice to end it and move on even harder.

In this there is also the responsibility to the people close, be that the partner or possible children. The choice to leave a relationship or to stay in one, has an impact on others, no matter which way the decision goes. If no children are in the picture, then the decision should be personal and thereby favor ones own happiness. If children are present, then the welfare of these should be considered also, but to what degree? Are the children better off having a set of parents living together but not enjoying it, or the other way around?

Only the two people in a given relationship can make the decisions, and they need to have the courage to do so. But it also takes two people to have a relationship, whereas it only takes one to end it. The important lesson is to have the courage to make a reality-check once in a while. And let the other one know the outcome – a “good” one will help the relationship grow, a “bad” one will help the individuals grow.